Abby's mailbox

Dear Abby;
On the subject of strange physical anomalies, what do you think it means if a person has a second toe (the 'pointer' of the toe world, if you will) that is longer than the first? Just yesterday I read on the internet that people with longer second toes are much more likely to become werewolves than us folks with more common toe-length distribution. Incidentally I happen to quite like this girl who posesses this attribute. Naturally I'd like to find out the truth before things with this girl get too serious (and more importantly, before the completion of this current lunar cycle). Hrm.
Wondering in Waterloo


Dear Wondering;
I understand your concerns about strange physical anomalies - particularly when they affect those we love, ahem like. There are really a number of intertwined issues here that must be addressed. Let’s see. I should begin by saying that all people are equal under the laws of Canada and the laws of God’s love, regardless of whether they have strange physical anomalies like multi-coloured eyes, or long toes, or split ends. I suggest first treating this girl as an equal and trying to forget about her toe. However, given the recent Wikipedia research showing that such persons are more likely to become werewolves I do suggest that you continue to monitor her behaviour as we approach the changing lunar cycle. Key signs to look for would be longish hair covering the body, pointy ears, and pig-like snout. Avoid contact during this dangerous time, but do call (perhaps use a pay phone so she is unaware of your whereabouts) and ask how she’s doing. Grunting, snarling and growling are noises to watch out for, but could also just be signs of PMS. I also caution you to not make assumptions here, as the research is unclear regarding the ability of females to transform into werewolves at all.
A subsequent issue is in regards to the relationship you and this girl already have. I have some concerns about the chastity issue, considering you have clearly already seen her feet. Remember, women should arrange to wear clothing that never tempts their male friends. I sure hope you haven’t seen this girl in her swimming outfit unless you’re prepared to marry her.
Abby